


The Company of Merlin

by the5leggedCricket



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Serial Killers, Angst, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Obsessive Behavior, Paranoia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-26
Updated: 2016-03-26
Packaged: 2018-05-29 06:47:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6363691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the5leggedCricket/pseuds/the5leggedCricket
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gaius works in a mental ward, and he is doing a final evaluation on one of his patients.</p><p>Merlin had a secret, one he couldn't tell Arthur about. But Merlin didn't care, because Arthur was his destiny.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Company of Merlin

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Hospital  
> POV: Multiple  
> MCD: No  
> Time: Modern

 

The man is sitting on his bed when Gaius enters. He is staring blankly forward, murmuring gibberish words to himself and flexing his fingers occasionally. His hands are resting on his knees and with every movement they brush his trousers, fabric rustling softly.   
  
Gaius closes the door behind him with a soft click. He grabs the chair at the other side of the room and drags it a bit closer to the bed before settling down with a sigh.   
  
He gives the man one more minute to himself and then clears his throat. “Hello, Merlin.”   
  
The man’s eyes snap up and meet Gaius’ gaze. His brow furrows. “Hello. Who are you?”   
  
Merlin’s hands have tensed. He turns them over and grabs his legs. Merlin doesn’t move from his spot on the bed.   
  
“I’m Gaius. I’m here to help you.”   
  
Merlin sits up straighter and leans forward. His shoulders relax. “Thank fuck! I really need someone’s help, Gaius. I’m in trouble.”   
  
Gaius hides a smile. Merlin is not always feeling cooperative, but it seems that today Gaius has caught him in a good mood.   
  
“Why? What happened?”   
  
“Well no, I’m not in trouble, but Arthur is and I… Wait, do you even know who Arthur is? Maybe I should explain from the start…”   
  
Merlin’s eyes wander away from Gaius’ face and he stares pensively at the opposite wall. He leans back against his headboard and his hands return to rest on his knees.   
  
“I would like that, Merlin, if you explained things to me. I’m here to listen.”   
  
Merlin looks surprised, apparently having forgotten that there is someone else with him in the room, but he sits up straight again and starts talking at once.   
  
“I...You...It’s complicated. Don’t be scared, but…” Merlin takes a deep breath and shudders once. “I have magic.”   
  
Gaius allows for some surprise to show on his face, but is careful to keep his expression open. He nods. For some reason, Merlin thinks that Gaius has seen him use magic and that he is the only one he can trust enough to talk about it. For the other staff, it’s a secret, one Gaius has promised to keep. Although Merlin never seems to remember Gaius, at least the promise has stayed with him.   
  
Merlin is reassured when Gaius doesn’t look scared or threatening, and continues.   
  
“I’ve always had it, I was born with it. But I couldn’t tell anyone about it. They’d kill me! So I never showed or told anyone, but the other kids in my town must have realised that I was different. They looked at me as if I was a freak. They shunned me, mocked me. They  _ ignored _ me.   
  
“I was so alone. You don’t know what it feels like. To wake up in the morning and know you’ll only hear one friendly voice until you go to sleep. To only have a mother and no father. To go to school and be ignored by everyone. To go home alone, having no friend that wants to come over or to go down to the park with you. To grow up like that, knowing that one day you could drop dead and nobody would notice your absence. I was alone for so long.”   
  
Merlin’s voice rises and he’s clutching his clothes now. Maybe he wants to tear them off or maybe he just needs the reassurance of a touch.   
  
“And then one day Will came along and I thought that finally I didn’t have to be alone anymore. He even knew that I had magic, and he accepted me for who I was.”   
  
*-*-*   
  
Will walked up the two steps to the porch and pushed at the door. To his surprise it wouldn’t budge. He knocked on the door.   
  
“Merlin? You there? Merlin!” he called out. He knocked several more times, thumping the flat of his hand against the wood. Nobody came to open it.   
  
He knew Hunith would be at her job, but Merlin was always at home. And this was their usual time to hang out together.   
  
Perhaps Hunith had called and he was off to bring her the food she’d forgotten in her hurry. That had happened before.   
  
Whatever it was, Merlin would be back soon. Otherwise he’d have warned Will not to come ‘round.   
  
Will stuffed his hands in his trouser pockets and sat down on the porch, closing his eyes and tilting his head towards the warmth of the sun. It was quiet here. Nothing but the chirping of the birds and the rustling of the leaves.   
  
In the distance someone started mowing their lawn, disturbing the silence but not loud enough to bother Will too much.   
  
He liked being here. This village, this house, this porch. Merlin made him feel home more than he ever had when he lived with his father in Ireland. Will’s mother had given him the space he’d needed and Merlin had been there to fill it up, as if he’d always belonged there. And maybe he did.   
  
Merlin was like a brother, and Hunith like a mother, and Will had fit right in in the little family. Maybe they’d needed him just as much as he needed them. Merlin had filled Will’s space, and in a way Will filled the empty space in their house. He wasn’t so sure if he ever wanted to leave again.   
  
He refused to think about that, though. He emptied his mind and focused on the birds, the leaves, the mowing. The soft breeze stroking his face, the light dancing behind his eyelids, the smell of the grass.   
  
Surrounded by home, Will drifted off.   
  
Something hit his cheek, startling him out of his nap. He opened his eyes and Merlin flicked his face again, grinning.   
  
Will groaned. “Stop that.”   
  
Merlin flicked his face once more and then lifted his hands in the air, surrendering to the power of Will’s scowl.   
  
Will got up and took Merlin in. “Why are you covered in mud?”   
  
Merlin opened the door and disappeared into the shadows of the house. “I went for a stroll in the woods and I slipped. Fell right into this huge muddy puddle.”   
  
Will closed the door behind him and followed Merlin’s voice into the kitchen. Merlin threw him an apple. “Only you, Merlin.”   
  
Merlin grabbed some cans of soda and walked to his bedroom, dumping the food on his bed. Will perched on the windowsill and whistled as Merlin undressed, changing into something less dirty.   
  
Merlin looked down at his torso, covered in bruises and scratches, and sighed. “You know my luck. There were a surprising lot of branches and twigs on the ground”   
  
“And you what, decided to roll around with them?” Will leered. “Did you get intimate with the branches, Merlin?”   
  
“Will, you’re a perv,” Merlin said, and threw a pillow at his head.   
  
The rest of the day continued in much the same way. When at night, they laid together in Merlin’s bed, Will having spent too much time there to accept a sleeping bag on the floor anymore, they were still teasing each other, Will farting and Merlin trying to push Will out of the bed, and Will couldn’t imagine anywhere he’d rather be.   
  
In the morning, the ringing of the doorbell woke them. They both stayed in bed, listening as Hunith walked downstairs to open the door. A little while later, she came back upstairs and knocked on Merlin’s door.   
  
“Boys?” she whispered as she came in. Seeing them both awake, she pushed the door open fully. “Mrs. Collins is here. Her son hasn’t come home yesterday and she’s asking around to see if anyone knows where he is.”   
  
There was sorrow in her eyes, and Will knew what was going through her mind. The first time she’d realised the friendship between Will and Merlin, she had pulled Will aside to ask him to keep an eye on Merlin. He knew she was constantly worrying about her son, afraid something would happen to him, or if maybe he would do something to himself. She wasn’t home often and every minute Merlin spent on his own was a minute she worried. Now Will was with Merlin a lot, and her worries had faded some, but they would never be gone completely.   
  
“No, mom. I was with Will the whole time yesterday, and we haven’t left the house at all.”   
  
Will frowned at that, but Hunith was already pulling the door closed and didn’t see it.   
  
“Why did you say that?”   
  
Merlin shrugged. “I didn’t see anyone in the woods and it would’ve taken longer to explain. It’s not like it matters. Thomas is probably bullying some poor kid as we speak.”   
  
There was a bitterness in his voice, and Will changed the topic. Merlin had been bullied before Will moved to Ealdor and was here to protect him. Thomas had been one of the worst bullies. Will didn’t know exactly  _ what _ had happened, but he knew it hadn’t been pretty.   
  
He didn’t like to be reminded of the bitterness that went hidden in Merlin. It reminded him of the pain Merlin had gone through and that just hurt too much.   
  
So Will nattered on about girls and football and anything else that popped into his mind, and Merlin let Will distract him.   
  
And later, when a search party began, he was there to cover for Merlin, who really couldn’t bring it up to search for a boy he hated with an intensity that sometimes scared Will.   
  
And when Thomas was never found, he let it slip from his mind, just glad that the source of that bitterness and hatred was gone. He didn’t ever want to be scared of Merlin.   
  
*-*-*   
  
Merlin smiles and it lights up his face.   
  
“It’s the best feeling in the world, being accepted like that. Having someone love you so utterly that they will overcome their fears just for you. It was the first time I was truly happy.   
  
“It was weird not seeing each other as often after we went to college, but we stayed in touch, you know. Went to the pub every weekend, saw each other most every day. And then I met Freya. A best friend  _ and  _ a girlfriend? Having the love of  _ two  _ people? It was too good to be true.”   
  
The smile slips off his face, and he balls his hands.   
  
“She was magic as well, you see. And she couldn’t keep it hidden like I, and Halig found out. He  _ killed  _ her, the monster.”   
  
*-*-*   
  
Merlin swore under his breath. Will had pulled some pretty bird in the pub, and he’d left Merlin without a ride back, the tosser. Merlin put on his jacket and left the pub, bracing himself for the cold. It was not yet summer and at night the temperatures dropped with too much enthusiasm for Merlin’s liking.   
  
It was a good twenty minute walk to his dorm so he glared at the clouds once, just daring them to release even a single raindrop, before setting a quick pace. The faster he walked, the faster he would warm up, and the faster he’d be in his dry dorm.   
  
As he passed an alley, he heard a woman crying. It was coming from within the alley, and he stopped in his tracks.   
  
The alley was badly lit and full with garbage. He felt his way towards the source of the crying sound, almost stumbling over a trash can when a cat raced past him.   
  
He swore, out loud this time, and the crying stopped. “I-is somebody there?” the woman whispered, her voice trembling.   
  
She was crouched on the ground, leaning against the slimy wall, her knees pulled up to her chest.   
  
“I’m Merlin. I heard you crying.”   
  
She shuffled away, trembles shaking her body, and he slowed down, putting up his hands.   
  
“I’m not gonna hurt you. I just want to help,” he said, his voice as comforting as he could make it, trying not to spook her any more.   
  
She stopped trying to get away, and he reached her. He crouched down next to her, and spoke again, his voice just loud enough for her to make out the words.   
  
“I’m Merlin,” he repeated. “Are you okay?”   
  
She looked up at him with glistening eyes and shook her head wordlessly.   
  
“What happened?”   
  
She started crying in earnest then, and she grabbed him. The hug threw him off balance and his knees landed in a gooish substance. She sobbed into his neck, still not saying anything.   
  
Merlin awkwardly patted her back, but stopped when all it did was make her tense up.   
  
“Do you want me to take you to the hospital?”   
  
“No!” she said, and released him.   
  
“Okay, okay, I won’t. But can I take you out of this alley at least?”   
  
She nodded, and he helped her up, letting her grab his hand and leading her away from the garbage and the stink.   
  
She didn’t loosen her grip, and Merlin decided to take her somewhere they could sit down to talk. The park was one block away, and the girl didn’t protest when he kept walking.   
  
In the light of the street lamps, her ripped clothes became visible. Her hair was a mess, and her cheeks were covered in tear tracks and mascara, her eyes swollen.   
  
He sat her down on a bench at the lake side and took a seat with a respectable distance between them.   
  
“What’s your name?”   
  
“I’m Freya.” She was still sobbing and sniffling her nose, so Merlin grabbed his handkerchief, offering it to her. She took it gratefully and blowed her nose hard.   
  
“What happened?”   
  
“It... It was my boyfriend.” Her voice broke, and Merlin just waited, giving her the time she needed to gather her thoughts. After a while, she spoke up again. “Or well, ex-boyfriend, Halig. I broke up with him three days ago. My friends convinced me to go out to take my mind off him, so I did.”   
  
She started crying again then, and Merlin said, “Let me guess, he was there?”   
  
“Y-yes. He said he wanted to talk to me, that I needed to hear him out. I didn’t know…I didn’t…”   
  
“Shh, take your time. Did he ask you to go to the alley with him?”   
  
“Yes, but I just thought he wanted to talk! I didn’t know, I swear!” Freya scooted over and hugged Merlin again, clutching desperately at him. He put his arm around her and just held her, too overcome with emotions for words himself.   
  
He was furious. He was sad. He was desperate. He was feeling too much emotions to put a name to them all or to know what to do with them. This girl, this  _ beautiful _ girl, was soiled by a pig. Her pain was palpable, and Merlin grieved for what she’d lost.   
  
She was crying loudly now, soaking his shirt with her tears. He couldn’t imagine what she was going through.  _ Didn’t _ want to imagine it, what it would feel like to be violated like that. To not feel safe in your own body anymore, because if someone could steal the right to your own body, to the touch and smell of your skin, then where were you safe anymore? He didn’t want to imagine to feel unwelcome in your own skin, to be chained to it.   
  
He stroked her hair and murmured reassurances into it.   
  
“I can take away your pain. Would you like that?”   
  
She hiccoughed and said, “Yes,” her voice so small, so fragile.   
  
He picked her up and carried her to the water. He knew that if the same happened to him, he wouldn’t want to live anymore. To have his skin become a prison that you have to live in forever, it would be unbearable. And anyone could see that she was too breakable for this world. She would never be safe. Another Halig could come along, another piece of her could be taken away. He wouldn’t want to live like that. Death would be a mercy.   
  
He knelt down and dropped her into the water, not letting go of her body.   
  
Freya’s eyes flew open, and she flailed, trying to get away from the cold. “What are you doing? Let go of me! Let go!”   
  
“I’m helping you the only way possible,” he said, and smiled, trying to reassure her once more.   
  
“Help! Someone! Let me go!”   
  
He grabbed her shoulders then and pushed them down. Down, down, until her head disappeared into the water. Her shouts were muffled, and he hoped no one had heard her earlier cries for help. They had been unnecessary. Merlin was already helping her.   
  
The water was dark and it was hard to see much, but Merlin saw the way her eyes widened and how her mouth kept moving, unwittingly making her choke faster on the black mass of water. “Good,” he thought, “that way it’ll be quicker.”   
  
*-*-*   
  
“After I lost Freya, I knew I’d be alone forever. It devastated me.   
  
“Have you ever felt like that, Gaius? Have you ever known the crushing weight of knowing your destiny? Of having a destiny at all? It was my destiny to be alone forevermore, because of my magic.   
  
“Sometimes I wished I didn’t have it. That I didn’t have this secret that is keeping me separated from the rest of the world. Sure, I can talk to other people, but I can never tell them everything. I always have to keep this part of me hidden.   
  
“You don’t have a destiny, Gaius, but I do, and it’s killing me.”   
  
Merlin looks up and glares at Gaius with a hatred that twists his face. He looks nothing like the boy who was smiling not ten minutes ago.   
  
Gaius can never be sure that Merlin won’t attack him, and he’s relieved to know that there’s guards just outside the room. He needs to sit this out. For Merlin.   
  
“Why don’t you tell me some more? It might help to share your burden with someone.”   
  
Merlin lets go of the fury and relaxes again.   
  
“It’s not all bad, you know. My destiny is not just the magic. My destiny is also Arthur. He makes it all worth it.”   
  
Merlin smiles and it’s as if nothing ever happened.   
  
*-*-*   
  
Arthur changed everything. He filled Merlin’s entire world. He penetrated all of Merlin’s senses. Everything he saw, smelled, heard, felt, was Arthur. He made Merlin feel so much more than Freya ever did, but instead of crushing Merlin, it elevated him.   
  
Of course, there was still Merlin’s secret keeping him from fully merging together with Arthur and becoming one, but for once, it might have actually been a good thing. It kept him aware of the world around them. It kept him on his toes. It kept him from losing Arthur.   
  
Because Arthur, as it turned out, was vulnerable too. But unlike Freya, he wasn’t aware of it. He wasn’t tainted yet, not yet broken, and as long as Merlin could keep him safe, life was the best thing Merlin could offer him.   
  
So Merlin did. He gave himself over to Arthur. He dedicated his every waking hour to him, and there was no limit as to what he would do so that Arthur could live. Arthur had become his destiny.   
  
When that girl, Helen, tried to put a spell on Arthur, he took care of her.   
  
When Valiant tried to hurt Arthur during a footie game, Merlin made sure it was the last game he ever played.   
  
When Aredian tried to kill Merlin for his magic, Merlin killed him, because Arthur needed him and if Merlin died Arthur would be lost.   
  
When Uther tried to keep them apart, Merlin got rid of him as well. That one hurt Arthur, but Uther had given Merlin no choice. And by then Merlin had perfected his technique so that nobody, definitely not Arthur, would ever need to know that it had been Merlin. Because knowing Merlin’s secret would be a very dangerous thing for Arthur, and Merlin knew how to keep him safe like this. Both in the shadow and in the light. Sharing secrets would only complicate matters.   
  
However, Will knew his secret. And Will tried to destroy Merlin’s happiness. His own brother!   
  
Merlin came home to Will talking to Arthur, voice raised and eyes wet as he explained what he’d suspected for too long. And what could Merlin do, really? When Aredian had attacked him, Merlin had needed no time at all to react. But now that  _ Will _ attacked him, attacked both of them, Merlin was at a loss.   
  
In his heart, he knew that there was only one solution. If Will talked to Arthur, he would talk to the police too. Merlin could no longer trust Will to keep him safe. And Merlin needed to be safe to keep Arthur safe. Arthur would understand that. And there would be time for explanations later, after Merlin disposed of the body.    
  
*-*-*   
  
“We’re going to marry,” Merlin announces, and the grin that appears almost splits his face in two. “Arthur proposed to me before Uther died in that horrible car accident. That car accident is the only reason we’re not married yet. Arthur needs time to mourn. I bet Uther would have loved to know that his death was keeping us from taking that final step.”   
  
Merlin puts his hands under his legs and wiggles his toes. “Arthur likes to tease me by saying that I’ll be the bride. Because I’m such a  _ girl _ . Or liked to. It’s been a while. I don’t know where he is, Gaius. You have to help me find him. I feel so lonely without him. I miss him.”   
  
Merlin’s lip trembles, and he starts crying, rocking back and forth.   
  
Gaius gets up, knowing that Merlin has nothing left to say except, “I miss him,” over and over until he eventually falls asleep. That’s how it always goes.  
  
*-*-*   
  
_ I have been tasked with psychoanalyzing Merlin. In general, he recalls his life very accurately? The things he says line up with all of the records. But the problem is that as soon as he starts talking about the murders, he starts taking hallucinations for memories. _ _  
_ _  
_ _ Merlin blames outside sources for the first murders. He understands that these people have died, but he doesn’t take any responsibility for them whatsoever, pointing fingers to other people. He doesn’t recall that he murdered them. _ _  
_ _  
_ _ A lot of the time, his conviction that magic exists, can be related to the murders. His victims either had magic, according to him, or they were threatening to expose his magic. _ _  
_ _  
_ _ Another problem is that he doesn’t seem to remember any of my visits. I’ve talked with him once a week for the past eight years, and he always tells me the same things as if we’ve never met before. He describes his loneliness, and this makes a whole lot of sense, as he has been kept in solitary confinement for the duration of his stay at the hospital. He always talks about his life, and then focuses on Arthur. He is obsessed with Arthur and loves to talk about him. This obsession with Arthur seems to have compelled him to murder most of his victims. _ _  
_ _  
_ _ He understand what happened right before he got arrested, but he doesn’t recall that he tried to kill Arthur as well. _ _  
_ _  
_ _ This will be my final report on Merlin. I don’t find any reason to believe that he will recover from his current state of severe mental illness, and he is far too dangerous to himself and others to allow his release. _

**Author's Note:**

> This story was inspired by the game 'The Company of Myself,' and the final passage, Gaius' report, is from that game, adapted to fit the story. [Source.](http://kongregate.wikia.com/wiki/The_Company_of_Myself)  
> I have to admit that the story is one of my personal favourites, so if any of you ever find yourself wondering if they could use it for their own creative fandom-creations, I encourage you to do so! Do let me know, though, so I can enjoy someone else's brain creation.


End file.
